DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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