R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
