I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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