i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
