I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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