I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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