i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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