Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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