I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
