The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
