my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
