So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
that is very illegal...i love you.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
