You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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