6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
