part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
