The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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