i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
