My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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