i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize