I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
