I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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