I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
