We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
