I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
