Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
