this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
