I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
