And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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