Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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