There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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