just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
