my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
COCAINE IS GR8
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
