I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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