The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
