Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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