just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
