separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
