Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
it's like heaven, but drunker
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
