My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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