There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
