walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
