the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
