"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I looked at my own cervix.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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