Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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