i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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