for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
