The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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