apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
