Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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