i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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