Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He passed out mid-signature
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
