i would punch a child for taco bell
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
