how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
