Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
