Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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