trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
