There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
