When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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